Jokes only a geek could love?

A while back I compiled a list of jokes that pass my criteria for supreme cheesiness. I had a bit of a rough start yesterday and could use a laugh (indeed, who doesn’t?), so I figured now is as good a time as any to share them. For the scientifically inclined, do don’t worry – there are plenty of jokes here for you.

Courtesy of Chris Lasher:

A bioinformatician walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “GATCGCATCAATAAA?” The bioinformatician replies, “I’m going to need a translation.”

From Ricardo Vidal:

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road.’

From Neil Saunders:

Mushroom in bar: “A round of drinks for everyone!” Customer: “Well, he seems like a fun guy.”

From studentdoctor.net:

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”

(a variation: A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. Upon being asked the price, the bartender responded, “For you? No charge.”)

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate!

Student: Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
Teacher: Well, actually it isn’t.
Student: Yes, it is, it runs in your genes.

How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
…HEY LET’S RIDE BIKES!!

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
HIPAA.
HIPAA who?
I can’t tell you!

Then, just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse (better?), we have the pick-up lines:

I wish I could be your derivative so I could be tangent to your curves.

Hey babe, wanna see the exponential growth of my natural log?

Baby, I know my chemistry, and you’ve got one significant figure.

If I were an enzyme I’d be DNA Helicase so I could unzip your genes.

Hey, baby; wanna test the ‘k’ of my bedsprings?

Are you the square root of 2? Because I feel irrational when I am around you.

How can I know so many hundreds of digits of pi and not the digits of your phone number?

Also, some good jokes from Physics Buzz.

And no post about science comedy would be complete without a mention of Earth’s premier science comedian, Brian Malow! I had the pleasure of hearing some of his act at SciBarCamp and it’s first rate. I especially liked this bit about time travel, from which I’ll paraphrase just a snippet:

When I meet people, I like to ask “when are you from?” instead of “where are you from?” in hopes that I’ll trip one of them up. He’ll say, “I’m from 2199, how about you?” and I’ll say “I’m from… RIGHT NOW! Quick, get a net!”

Turns out Brian was good friends with another comic I admired greatly, Mitch Hedberg!

21 Responses to Jokes only a geek could love?

  1. Chris Lasher says:

    Ha! Thanks for the mention, Shirley. I had to laugh at this collection. There’s also a good one going at a Facebook group called “I enjoy corny science jokes”: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2225763930.

    One of my favorite risque ones has its own group at Facebook: “If I was a reaction I would be SN2 so I could attack your backside”: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2222848821

    Ugh… so bad… but it’s good to know other people laugh at this stuff, too.

  2. Zen Faulkes says:

    Two atoms walk into a bar. One says, “Damnit! I just lost an electron!” The other atom says, “Are you sure?” The first one says, “I’m positive.”

    Why did the white bear dissolve in water? It was a polar bear.

  3. Zen Faulkes says:

    Oops, sorry for cluelessly adding a joke that was already there. :(

  4. Chris Lasher says:

    I forgot to mention Ron Laskey, who has written and performed some gut-busting songs. His catalogue is available from CSHL Press: http://openlibrary.org/a/OL3571124A/Ron-Laskey

    I have his “Selected Songs for Cynical Scientists” and it’s a joy to listen to.

  5. Anne says:

    I had a boyfriend once who would ball his clothes up and cram them into his dresser. When I commented, he said that he protein folded his clothes. That completely won me over.

  6. Pingback: Science Foo Camp 2009: Scifoo Day Two « O’Really?

  7. Dan says:

    Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding:
    “Do you know how fast you were going?” the police officer asks, incredulously. “No,” replies Heisenberg, “but I know exactly where I am!”

    • Fion says:

      Heisenberg and Shrodinger get pulled over for speed.
      The cop asks,”do you know how fast you were going?”
      Heisenberg replies,”no, but I know were I am.”
      the cop thinks this strang reply calls for a search and opens the trunk.
      the cop says, ” do you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?’
      Shrodinger says,”well, I do now!”

  8. Matt aka audchild says:

    A tachyon gets kicked out of a bar. The bartender says “we don’t serve your type!”. A tachyon walks into a bar.

    One of my favourites.

  9. Pingback: Jokes for all geeks! | GeekHang

  10. Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side. :D

  11. BETTY says:

    Can i tell one

    2 men walk into a bar and the bartender asks ‘what can i get you gentlemen’
    The first one says ‘ Can i have h20 please’
    The second man goes ‘ Get me a h20 too’
    he died

  12. andrei says:

    you can also check this blog for more jokes: http://engineer-jokes.blogspot.com/

  13. Eduardo del Valle says:

    Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide-and-seek and it’s Einstein’s turn to count. He covers his face and starts counting, Pascal runs to hide and Newton draws a circle on the floor. When Einstein uncovers his face he sees Newton standing in front of him and excitedly shouts “you lost!”, Newton non-chalantly replies “no, you found one Pascal”.

  14. Cthulhu says:

    Q: What’s a tachyon?
    A: A gluon that’s not quite dry yet.

  15. morgan says:

    stupid f*** all of you just kiding i laughed at ebery single one of thesesx

  16. morgan says:

    *every and *these

  17. yao teck Ng says:

    A lame joke
    A negative atom met a positive atom
    Negative said: I’m a lier
    Positive said:are you positive
    Negative said: I’m positive
    Positive said: wow you are really a lier

  18. Jeff Rouse says:

    I spent 75 cents on a Three Musketeers. I figured it was 25 cents each. Turns out there was only one in th wrapper. I now figure it was marked up 300%.

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